Broken Doll
by Hellkat53
Summary: A short insight into the mind of River Tam as she adapts to her altered mental state and the loss of seeming perfection. (Written using Free indirect speech rather than first person). Oneshot.
**Disclaimer: I do not own River Tam, Firefly or Serenity. They are the creation of Joss Whedon.**

River was not used to imperfection. Everything about her had always been defined as perfect or more accurately, she had redefined the bounds of perfection within the Tam's household.

She knew it used to bother Simon, though he'd never say anything about it. It must not be easy to have your younger sister correcting not only you but your teachers and texts books.

He was always left in her shadow, a rare problem for an elder child.

Part of her wondered if it was easier for him now that she was…was broken, fractured, damaged. He had always looked to her, of course. Protected her from the non-quantifiable, logical things. The children scared of her intellect, the pressure of her parent's expectations.

But up till now her brain had been the best, now she was muddled, out of focus and his brain was superior to hers, still whole.

But she knew he wasn't happier, his thoughts always covered with a shadow, downcast, like clouds on the brink of rain, draining light from him.

This ship was full of cloudy brains.

Simon's was one of the worst, but not like the Captain's, no one was like the Captain.

The Captain was all storm clouds, with the occasional flash of lightning when the joy broke through.

She wished she could explain all this to them she wasn't so broken, so lost, but words kept failing her, her brain kept…kept…kept…stalling, like a ship with only half an engine.

She wondered what her thoughts would look like to a fellow reader, if hers were even worse than the Captain's, or if it was even possible to read her at all, with all the emotions floating about, banging round her brain pan.

Sometimes when the feelings became too much, and her mind exploded, scaring the crew, she tried to hold on to the perfection that remained.

The body that moved so easily for her, floated like it was moving through water instead of air. She could still dance, still perfectly extend the muscles and tendons to pull off the perfect pirouette. But even that was a lie.

Her brain was broken but it could still tell falsehoods, hide the truth, spin a pretty tale. She knew deep down inside that the Ac… the place had taken her body from her. Twisted it, made her grace a weapon, her body a tool.

The crew didn't know. Simon knew, had been told, but didn't really understand. One sentence marked in her mind, said out loud, and she disappeared.

Oddly, she felt that if any member of the crew would understand it, the Captain would. He seemed like a man who lived in fear of losing himself. That's why he fought. Alliance come, they unify, remove difference, everyone must be one. Though some are still more one than others. Captain doesn't want to be effaced. He's like Serenity, a ship out of time. River wanted to be like Serenity, to be one with the ship, melt into her. Valued because of its difference, its imperfection.

Not like River, her imperfection is a scar, a shame, something to be hidden away. Simon likes to pretend she's still normal, when she's not around. When he sleeps he dreams of home, and her dancing, smiling. Never screaming, never breaking things. Unafraid and not a danger to herself and others.

But they are only dreams and every morning he awakes to see the roof of his bunk and hear the sounds of Serenity he remembers she is not normal, she is damaged goods. Her most valuable part cut apart, her brain, her perfect brain torn asunder.

Her amygdala, corpus amygdaloideum in the Latin, was removed. Emotional centre, memory processor, decision maker gone. Turn her into mind reader. Witch, creature to be burned. Didn't want Simon to burn with her. Human flesh requires extended exposure to 1,400 degrees Fahrenheit, 760 degrees Celsius in order to fully burn. Stop being creepifying. Scare the crew.

Doesn't make sense, nothing makes sense anymore. Everything broken. Brain, processor puzzle with missing pieces that can never be found. River Tam was use to perfection. She had been perfection. Now she was nothing more than a broken doll that needed to be thrown away.


End file.
